One BIG Update!

Hope you are all doing well! Life for me never seems dull or boring. I am still enjoying life in Ketchikan very much!
I wanted to write you all and give you an update of some things that are going on in my life. I wish I could tell you this in person – but since we are all scattered and far away, a blog update, though impersonal seems to be the best way to let you all know at once.

This update is about something God has been leading me towards for a while now. This update is about my journey towards adoption. Now pick yourself up off the floor and I will tell you the whole story – grab some coffee or a Coke and cozy up under a blanket because it is a long one…

Adoption is something I have desired to do since I was a teenager. I always thought it would be a way that I would build my family after I got married.
After I got married is the key phrase.
My confusion began to grow when God started bringing it up in my mind several months ago. I didn’t know what to do with the thoughts because it was the farthest thing in my mind at this stage in my life.

I went to a pastor’s conference with my staff in October and one of the speakers talked about child trafficking and adoption. My heart was pounding and I found myself getting emotional. I was frustrated with the moment because I felt God speaking to me, but I didn’t know what to do about it. In my mind, I can’t do anything about this crisis because I am not married, but I would love to! I have always wanted to get married and have a family and I felt like throwing it back on God and saying bring the man so we can do this! Basically, I was having a moment of saying this is really Your fault God – I would love to help You out with whatever it is You are up to, but you have not worked everything out, by way of a man and marriage so we could actually do this. I felt stuck and frustrated.

After the session was over my boss, Cade, leaned over and said some profound words – words I wish I would have thought myself – “Have you ever thought of adopting as a single?”

Well, actually, no. The thought never crossed my mind. I was operating under the assumption that only married couples should adopt. After all a child needs a mom and dad to have a well-adjusted life, Right?

I quickly shook off Cade’s comment, changed the subject and moved on. But my heart stood still. Over the course of the next few weeks I couldn’t shake this thought and the concept of adopting in this stage of my life. It freaked me out how much I was thinking about it. I kept trying to ignore it and write it off, mostly because it was bringing up all sorts of fear in my life. I was afraid of what people would think – the stigma of being a single mom. I was afraid of losing my job, not sure if a church would want a single mom as a pastor. I was afraid of the future with a kid all by myself, not to mention the fact that it drops my chances of getting married from my current dismal percentage, to an all time low. I was afraid about what to do with my future since all my training is in ministry and not knowing how that would mesh with the life of a single mom. Not to mention money, feasibility and timing. No, this was not a good idea and it certainly can’t be from God.

But my heart was deeply betraying me. My heart was talking with God (without my permission, apparently) even though my head was not. My head was logically thinking that this was all wrong and there was no way that God was in this. My heart was being softened to the ways of God outside our theoretical comprehension. It was an emotional tug of war.

A few weeks later my brain caught up and I had the thought – “shoot, this is what God does to me when He is up to something.” In the past when God lays something on my heart – I can’t stop thinking about it, I can’t stop researching it and I can’t stop processing it. I decided I needed to talk to a trusted friend, someone I could process this with and help me sort through it and ultimately tell me I am crazy. I picked who I thought would be the perfect person to help me shut this thing down for good and told her the whole story. At the end she teared up and thought it would be perfect.

What?!?

Perfect? No. Nothing about this is perfect. I just moved to a new place, have a new job I like… I don’t have money, time, a husband, or a life conducive for a child. She agreed that all that could be true, but if this is something that God is putting together, I better listen and He would direct in the right time. She said that you do need to be so sure of what God is saying that no matter the ramifications, you will follow through and do what He is saying. I fearfully agreed. We prayed. I continued to be shaken.

I began to do informal research to see if adopting as a single was an option and what it would look like. As I did research I learned that there are over 132 million orphans in the world. And due to Hague Convention (internationally recognized adoption agreement agency) standards – there are not enough qualified married couples in the world to “solve” the orphan crisis. This statistic started to soften my heart as I reasoned that one parent to love a child is still better than no parents to love a child. But this was certainly not enough to make me seriously consider anything, as there was too much fear to engage with God too deeply on this matter.

When I arrived home in Ketchikan after school was over, I found myself continuing to think often about adoption. Confused, I spent some time one evening praying to God about it. I felt Him say that I should tell 5 people and have them pray with me on this issue. I had already told one of my friends and so I proceeded to tell 4 others. I told them the whole story up until that point. I asked them what their first gut reaction was, what their thoughts were and asked if they would pray with me about my heart in this. I did not want this to be some grand plan my subconscious was concocting as a reaction to the fact that I would be turning 30 and spiraling me into some sort of pre-mid-life crisis. I can’t always trust my heart. Even the Bible says that our hearts are deceptive. If I were to pursue adoption, it HAD to be something that God was leading me toward – NOT something my subconscious was trying to trick me into doing.

It was interesting and semi-unraveling that 3 of them were on board and thought it was a fantastic plan and felt like God was indeed up to something. 2 of them, I found out later, were not so sure. However, as I said – I found out later. One of these friends, as I was telling the story, felt like God was telling them to keep their mouth shut and not say anything. So when I asked her of her thoughts she said she felt like God was telling her not to share them. (She later, changed her perspective and on the day that I told her my final decision was the day she felt released to tell me her thoughts.) The other friend lives in Indonesia and I Skyped with her to tell her what was going on. I got through telling her the story and just as I asked the questions, our connection failed. I was not able to reconnect so I sent her an email with the questions and asked her to pray for me. She sent me a note 2 days later and relayed that her first reaction was “no way!” However, as she started praying she felt like God was showing her that He was in this and it was a good thing. By the time she got back to me her opinion completely changed. Interesting how I never got any negative feedback in the moment. I think God knew all I needed was one person to say it was ridiculous and I would have shut the whole idea down. But who knows – I’m not saying I know the mind of God – all I know is what I know.

The next week I headed down south for a Board of Directors meeting. We went out to Claim Jumpers for dinner. I was late because I had to make a run to Target (gotta make the most of my trips down south!). When I got there, I sat down at the last spot left at the table. I am the only female on the board with 11 other guys. We usually talk church ministry, discussing what we have reviewed in the meetings or ministry philosophy. We rarely talk about extra-curricular life activities. About 10 minutes after I had sat down, the two gentlemen that I was sitting by launched into an in-depth conversation on … you guessed it - Adoption. One of the guys had adopted two children from China and the other was curious about the process. I remember at one point hearing them apologize for monopolizing the conversation on that topic. Dumbfounded I said something like, “no big deal – it is interesting.”

Interesting?

It was more than interesting. The whole time they are talking I am speechless that this is the conversation I am eavesdropping on and getting all sorts of free wisdom and advice. All the while God is still doing something inside me. Of course, I never told them what I was thinking as I didn’t want them to know, as I was still fearful that I would not be able to stay on staff at my church or worse, lose my license as a pastor.

The rest of that week, it felt like everywhere I turned, there was adoption – conversations of it online, advertisements on Facebook, posts and blogs. Perhaps it was because it was on my mind all the time, perhaps it was because, unknown to me, it was national adoption month or perhaps it was because God was trying to tell me something. Whatever it was I found myself on that Friday evening, whining to God about how I needed to figure out what this was all about. As I was praying, I said that I just needed to know if this was from Him. I needed tangible evidence, signs and affirmation that this is what He was leading me towards – otherwise help me stop thinking about all this so I can get some peace!

About 10 minutes later I went online to check my bank account. I hurriedly entered my account number and it came back invalid. So I re-entered it again, this time with care. I waited for one of my three security code questions to come up and there staring back at me was a security question that I have never seen before and one that was most certainly not mine – yet it was my account!

The question was “What is your daughters birth date?”

I felt a flutter in my spirit and I immediately said, “God, you have to do better than that. That totally could have been a fluke.” But I knew better.

In that moment I realized that I could no longer be in denial about all this and I needed to talk with my parents about this. I have always been honest about what is going on in my life and this had been going on for quite some time. So I simply asked God to prepare my parents hearts for the conversation as He has done many times before. And I asked Him to tell me when I should approach them. Immediately I felt Him say “this weekend.”

Oh no. Really? So soon? Are you sure?

Of course you are. You are God.

Uh. Fear. Panic. Worry.

All day Sunday before our scheduled phone call I was going back and forth in my mind. “I can do this – I can tell them… No you can’t! This is crazy! You can’t tell them!”
I wrestled all through the beginning of the phone call. I don’t even remember what we talked about. I was trying to figure out how to start the random conversation of adoption. I told them I had to go and I would call them back and I hung up on them. I paced my apartment and asked God in a desperate attempt to confirm that I had heard Him wrong, “Am I really supposed to tell them?”

Yes was the very clear thought that I knew came from God.

So I took a deep breath and called them back.

I told them to sit down and proceeded to slowly tell them everything that had been going on in my heart and mind for the last several months.
My dad was the first one to speak. His questions were engaging. They were not the type to shut down the conversation but enter in and dialog about it. It was an affirming and wonderful talk. We ended by praying together. And I hung up an hour later leaving them to their own thoughts of bewilderment.

I was rather shaken by this conversation. I didn’t realize how anxious I was to tell them and then it went so much better than I anticipated.

That night as I was preparing to go to bed, I was pretty rattled and my brain was going crazy. I decided to sit down with my Bible and open up to any passage and hope that God would speak to me through wherever my finger landed.

I cracked it open and my eyes fell on Psalm 31:14-15.
“But I trust in You, O Lord, I say ‘You are my God.’ My times are in Your hands.”
Hmmm. In the margin was the date 9-6-09.

I often write in the margin of my Bible a date when a verse speaks to me so I can look back in my journals the corresponding date and see what He said before.

However, I didn’t need to look this date up. I knew immediately what it was. That was the weekend that I went to check out the position and church in Ketchikan. While I was there that weekend, I had doubts and God gave me that verse. After looking at it for a while and letting the words sink in, I heard God say in my spirit, “I will be with you.” I knew in that moment I was to move to Ketchikan.

As my eyes fell on this familiar verse again – I heard God say to me yet again, “I will be with you.”

A couple days later when I sat down to do my homework, I checked my email – something I often do before settling in to do my work – anything I can do to stall.
When I opened my inbox I noticed a lone message from one of the guys on Board of Directors that was a part of the adoption conversation a few weeks prior. Remember, they didn’t know anything about what I was thinking. No one knew my thoughts except those 5 people and my parents.

I proceeded to open the email and it just simply said, “I don’t know why, but I felt like I was supposed to send this to you.”

Below his words was the link to the adoption agency that he and his wife used to help them get their kids from China. I click on the link and start sifting through the information. I end up clicking on a link that leads me to testimonies of families that have adopted.

As I read the stories, I am moved. I start crying. Really crying. The ugly kind of crying that makes your head hurt.

I soon found myself lying on the floor in my apartment telling God that we needed to deal with this now. I think I said something like, I’m not going to leave this place until we figure this out.

As I was talking with Him, He reminded me of a lesson that I had taught my kids a few weeks prior. I gave them all a pile of random items and told them to create something out of it. After a while I walked around and declared what I thought their creations were and told them what I thought they should do. Of course, they looked at me in disgust and proceeded to tell me how I was wrong. After being shot down time and time again, I began to reveal the point of the exercise.

I told them, “No one but the creator knows what their creation is and what it is designed to do. The same is true for us. Only God, our Creator, knows what we are created and designed to do. If we live our whole lives never asking Him how He has wired and designed us to live – we will go through life feeling a bit clunky. We must ask Him why He designed and wired us the way He did and what purpose He has for us to do.”

After I had that remembrance, I felt God saying to me, “the same is true for you. I know why I have created you. I know the days of your life and what I have in store for you. You don’t. But the point is not for you to have it all figured out. The point is for you to trust me.

Do you trust me?”

At first I said “Yes, of course I trust You.”

But then He allowed me to remember all the fear that I have about adoption. I realized, whoa, maybe I don’t trust you. I felt the weight of my dilemma.

Then He said, “Rhonda, you don’t know what the future holds. You don’t know what I see. I know you want to know and have full assurance of the fears you have. But then you can’t exercise your trust in Me. But I know what the future holds. I know what I have created you for. I know what journey I want to travel with you. The point is not to know what is ahead, but know that I am with you and trust me as I lead you in what is ahead.

I spent the next half hour reflecting on my situation. Trusting God would be scary. I won’t know the outcome. But I am safe in trusting Him.

Or - I could manage my situation and do my own thing and “control” my own destiny – but I would not be safe, as I would have to step away from Him as I would not be giving myself to Him and walking with Him.

After some time had passed I got to the place where I came to surrender. Not a surrender of defeat, but a sweet surrender knowing that trusting God is the only place where I am truly alive because I am in line with what my Creator has created me to do.
It was a moment of relief and intense emotion. I no longer felt fear – only peace.
It was also the first time I prayed out loud for her. The girl God had been laying on my heart. Though I still wasn’t completely clear what God was up to – my heart opened to the possibility.

About a half hour later, true to speedy, fast-paced Rhonda form, I asked God a question. Instead of sitting in the moment of peace and trust, I needed to know what was up. I had done my part to align myself to Him. I felt confident in trust and willing in surrender. So I asked Him for the first time, “so are you asking me to adopt?”

Immediately I heard in my spirit, “Yes.”

Yes.

Yes?

Yes.

I felt a flood of emotion. Though I kind of knew that would be His answer, knowing it for sure sent me swirling into a whole new realm of thoughts and feelings.
I’m going to be a mom!
My life will never be the same.
Will I be able to be a mom and be a pastor?
I will have someone to love.
I will learn more about God’s love for me.
I am going to give up a whole lot.
I am going to gain a whole lot.
I am going to be a mom.

This moment happened a couple months ago. I have so much more to fill you in on. But this is a start. Stay tuned and I will fill you in on how things came together and are coming together. There is so much more to share, but this is the start.
More to come…