A Love Story within a Love Story…

I have always known that life is a bunch of small stories combined together in One Greater Story. I have felt very much about adoption in that way. It is a great and beautiful story that God has put together, but it is just one story in a greater Story. Little did I know that God was writing yet another story at the same time. A story about His passionate love for me and His pursuit to reveal this love.

So grab another coffee or Coke. This one is a doozey as well. It is a long story and I will fill in a lot of gaps about the adoption story as well.

Way last October, just before God started to really show me adoption, He had a little work to do on me personally. Through a series of events, God showed me that His unconditional love is what He longs for me to know, understand and live in more deeply. I had always thought I grasped this concept, but I began to see that I am so much more about doing things for God than I am about being transformed by His love. It was a significant moment for me.

The next day was when there was a message about adoption and God began to work in my heart about all that. See more about that story on my March 6, 2011 entry.

In that moment I remember being frustrated. I have a heart for adoption, but felt like things were not in place in my life for such a venture. I remember saying something like, “Bring the man so we can complete the plan…”

Little did I know that perhaps God was taking care of all that too.

So I wrestled with God about adoption and finally came to the night where I surrendered it all to Him. God dealt with me about trust and do I really trust Him? It took me a while to get to a place of full surrender. But I did and felt the sweet release of resting in Him.

About a half hour later I asked God what was all the adoption stuff about? Are you asking me to adopt?

He said yes.

So I moved forward. God sent me in a direction and I am a go-getter, so I was going to go get!

So much so that I didn’t ever think twice about the odd timing of a friend of mine who stopped by my office just a couple days later. I had just submitted my application to the adoption agency, and here he was asking if I would be interested in going on a date with a friend of his who took note of me on church a couple Sundays earlier. I said sure, not even having a second thought that something would come of it. I was on the adoption train and there was no getting off. I look back on that day and wonder to myself, why was I so nonchalant about agreeing to a date?

For whatever reason, I said yes and gave my friend my phone number to give his friend.

Scott called me a few days later and we set up a date after I was done with classes in December.

Dating is not something I have done much of. I knew it was a big deal, but I still didn’t think much of it because my eyes were set on adoption. I think there was a large part of me that believed it would never go beyond one date. I love to try new things and who doesn’t love a free meal? Seemed harmless to me.

We met at Jeremiah’s – a pub in town – ate pizza and shared our life stories. We talked for four hours. I left thinking that was a nice time. He left thinking WOW!

He called me a few days later and asked for a second date. Again, I must be slow… I said yes thinking we just had more sharing to do and we did have a good enough time, so why not? At the end of this date, he boldly asked for a third date before date 2 was over. It was at this point I started freaking out. I realized I had led this guy on and I never intended to do so and now I was in a pickle. But I still said yes! I think I am too much of a people pleaser that saying no was harder than just trying to figure out how to be honest.

So on date #4 I decided to scare him off by talking about how I think dating is a flawed system and I don’t buy it and I don’t even know if I really ever want to get married.

He, of course, handled the ‘conversation’ in style, never twitching a nervous muscle. However, later, he said that the conversation did sow seeds of doubt and discouragement, but he persevered forward.

So when that didn’t work, on date #6 I told him the whole adoption story. I figured if he was that tenacious, he needed to know the whole story. I mean, I had to be fair, right??

Not only was he supportive, but he affirmed that God seemed to be in it and was excited to see how it was all going to unfold!

Well that certainly didn’t go how I had hoped.

The honest truth was I was a complete mix and mess of confused, terrified, and intrigued.

I continued to proceed forward with the adoption and say yes to dates with Scott. I also continued to assume that things with Scott would end at any time as God had called me to adopt, right?

God continued to teach me to step into love and not live in fear, see May 11, 2011 entry. Little did I know how both adoption and dating were two paths God was using to teach me about His love and trusting Him.

Just before Valentines, we had a discussion that I left absolutely no option for us to be anything remotely official and that I didn’t want any gestures to reflect our non-relationship. I was also grateful that I would be gone in Portland for school over Valentines. Perfect.

I know, I’m really special.

While I was down in Portland for school, Scott called me on Sunday and asked what I was doing. I hadn’t really figured it out. He asked me to do him a favor and he asked my friend Tracey to make sure I would actually do it and then he asked me to get a coat. He knew I didn’t have a great raincoat and that I loved coats and that it was my birthday in a few weeks. So he said to go to REI and pick out the best coat that I really liked, as a gift. I was speechless, overwhelmed and mad. When I got off the phone I went for an angry run. How could he be so generous? I didn’t want a lavish gift like that from a guy! I don’t like to owe people. And this felt like he was trying to make a move. No way!

When I was at a stop sign, I clearly heard God say, “Rhonda, I have to show you My love through other people because you have a hard time receiving it from me.”

Hmmm.

Oh.

So I spent some time talking with God about that and went and bought the most expensive coat I had ever purchased.

When I got home I was again in conflict. To make matters worse, he met me at the airport with flowers. I decided that I needed to talk with Scott about redefining things. We weren’t a couple and we shouldn’t act like one, nor did I want to be.

So after some long thought and processing, I laid it all out to him that Friday night. After I concluded my schpeel, with shaky gusto, I waited for his response.

A response that I was not expecting. He paused for a while, leaned forward and said, “Rhonda, I don’t understand why you don’t think you’re worth it.”

Then without hardly a breath continued to share why he did the things he did, but the kicker was what he said about buying the coat. He said he never wanted to tell me why, but after he got off the phone with me the day he told me to get the coat, God reminded him that the coat wasn’t about Scott giving me a gift but that God was using him to show God’s love to me.

I was speechless. So I told him he had to leave. I was so overwhelmed that Scott was saying the exact things that God was trying to teach me. I spent the next 5 hours wrestling with God about love and being loved. It was also that night that I realized that here was a gentleman that not only saw my worth, but was challenging me spiritually. What was up with him?

I continued to wrestle into the next day and I called him to come back the next night. I shared all the things that I learned and we talked through a lot of things.

My tough shell was starting to break. But it was a very tough shell.

Scott asked me to be his girlfriend a few nights later and though I said yes, he was in for a long haul.

The following weekend I made my story public. It was also the time where things started to fall apart in Ethiopia.

I sat on a swing in the park near my house until 2 in the morning talking with God again. I was so confused. I was ok with pursuing a relationship with a guy knowing that the adoption path would be completed in about a year. That wasn’t too overwhelming of timing. But when things were slowing down and the amount of time for processing adoption was no longer defined and quite potentially several years of a wait, I no longer understood how things could work out.

Sitting on the swing, I poured out my heart to God. All He said to me was, “it is sure easy to trust Me when you have it all figured out, isn’t it, Rhonda? All I asked was for you to trust me.”

There is a part of me that never wants to live my life with regret. I knew that if I ended things with Scott, I would always wonder what could have happened. Same with adoption. I felt called to adopt. I had no idea other than to listen to God and trust Him and keep stepping forward in both adoption and the relationship with Scott and trust the outcome to Him.

However, I continued to remind Scott, myself and everyone around me that nothing could happen relationally because of the adoption.

At this point I was beginning my home study for the adoption. I was already over two months into the paperwork process, but still far from being over.

I didn’t realize just how far.

Over the next two months things slowly grew between Scott and I. I continued to work on adoption stuff, and finish school.

When I went to Portland for graduation in May, I had one of my frequent freak out moments. Over the phone Scott asked me what was up and I told him that things can’t go fast between us and I felt like he might be falling for me and that couldn’t happen and I was in conflict about how I feel about him and confused about the timing of all this – blah blah blah…

He let me rant and then when I was done, gently, but firmly said, “I don’t know where you get off thinking you know what I am thinking and feeling. I am a big boy and I know that this relationship is no guarantee, but that is up to me, not you, to be in charge of my emotions and reactions. Your only job is to do what you want to do. Don’t worry about me. And if it helps you, I am not out looking for rings if that is what you think I am doing. I haven’t even started saving for one. So just take a deep breath.”

I am probably the only girl in the world that finds relief in the fact that a guy just said that he is not crazy about me. But that night was a turning point for me because the stress of managing (or controlling is probably more accurate) the relationship, I just let go of it. We had such a fun time and by the end of May, I was really enjoying being with Scott. Really enjoying being with him.

Apparently he was feeling the same way because at the beginning of June, he basically said that having a family is all he has ever wanted and doesn’t know what he is waiting for.

Now, at this point, he has been completely supportive of the adoption and we didn’t spend much time talking about it. When he said that, it freaked me out, because I thought that meant he was going to break up with me because he had to keep waiting for me because of the adoption.

I went home that night really wrestling with God. Here is a guy who is fantastic in so many ways, but I feel called to adoption. And the home study has been taking WAY longer than it should, to get back to me so I can move on to the next step! This process is taking so much longer than any one ever said!! Grrrrr!!! God your timing is really unfortunate. What are you doing????

“Rhonda, do you trust Me? All I asked was for you to trust Me and you said you trusted Me.

Trust Me.”

The next day after praying about the timing of this all my completely home study arrived in the mail. It was a bitter sweet moment because it finally came which meant I could apply for fingerprinting, the next step in the application process. But my heart sunk. This must mean that God is saying to move forward with the adoption…

In all this I knew that I still had to follow up with Scott’s comments about not wanting to wait. This led to our infamous “beach night” talk where we both laid it out on the line. It was the first time he told me that wasn’t intending on looking anywhere else because he has been looking a long time for a girl like me and has never found one. So he will keep waiting for me.

But with tears in my eyes, said, I still feel called to adoption and I can’t do anything about us. We both felt stuck, but also both knew that God was up to something. But we agreed to try to not hang out as much to help slow the process.

That worked real well for us. It’s kinda like watching a train wreck, you know?

I really have done about everything in my power to sabotage this relationship and in spite of my best attempts, our relationship continued to grow.

I sent my fingerprinting/biometrics paperwork in for adoption and continued to wait. Meanwhile Scott was still there, ever patient and always saying the right things, especially the same things that God was teaching me.

Over the fourth of July weekend, I took Scott over to Prince of Whales Island for his birthday. Getting away to visit some friends and fishing seemed like a good idea. Plus, I could see what it would be like to go on a trip with him. Maybe I would find my reason why we would not be compatible.

Wrong.

We had the best time. My friends who know me well, gave me their summary of him and our relationship.

“We love him and want him to stay here forever!”

I couldn’t agree more. He is really terrific!

And to top it all off, the night we got back, he told me, “I have found the one I have been looking for and will not be looking anywhere else. And by the way, I have started saving for a ring.”

Yikes!!!!

Now I really started to stress! What about the adoption?!? Which by the way is irritatingly non-existent! The application for fingerprinting should only take a couple weeks to process and it had been over 6. I kept calling and they could never tell me anything. Finally they told me that it was on hold until they could get enough people for a hearing in Juneau – which might not be until September or October.

Are you kidding me?!? The adoption process felt really slow as it was and then when you throw a budding romance with no chance of really going anywhere until the adoption is finalized? It was discouraging to say the least.

And then it was time for my freak out moment. I was really struggling with all my emotions and not knowing what to do about everything. Then it started to mess with how I felt about Scott and I was unraveling.

One Friday night we were talking and Scott could tell something was up. He asked what I was thinking. I said nothing important, but he didn’t buy it. He said come on, out with it.

I said no, it wouldn’t be helpful.

He said come on, trust me. You need to trust that I care about what you are thinking and can handle whatever it is.

There it is again, trust.

You’d think after all this I would be able to be a bit more trusting, but fear is constantly in the winner’s circle of my life.

For whatever reason, my stupidity or God’s providence, I started to share everything that was on my heart.

Everything.

I started crying, because I know that some of the things I was sharing could be hard to hear or even hurtful. But on I went, sharing my heart.

And he just wiped the tears away.

When I was done talking, he just held me and told me to cry it all out. And I did. All my anxiety, control, fear - everything.

After a while I regained my composure and asked him what did what I said do to him? What was he thinking?

His response rocked my world.

He said, “Rhonda Marie, it just makes me love you more.”

What?!???

I just stared at him, but I know he meant it. Really, really meant it.

In that moment, I realized even more the depths of unconditional love. Being loved by another no matter what you say or do. It was a God moment.

I did what anyone would do.

I started to giggle. OK, most people wouldn’t laugh, but that is what I did.

It felt so freeing. I felt so free! To share everything, even your deepest fears and to still be loved in return?

So amazingly wonderful!!!!!!

It was then that I knew this man was not only marriage material, but someone that maybe, just maybe, God had hand-picked for me that has walked through the things I was walking through, that has a heart and passion for God and for people as I do and has wanted to adopt since he was a little kid too.

But wait! The adoption! I was leaving for Anchorage to get my finger printing expedited in a couple weeks and still don’t know how this relationship and adoption are coming together. The adoption, at this point, feels more like a thorn in my side than a happy, joyous occasion. Again, GRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

“Trust Me.”

I just kept praying. Because my heart is to honor God with my life, but this is all quite complicated…

When I flew to Anchorage, I decided it would be a good time to deal with God, as there are three stops on the way and it takes about five hours from Ketchikan. I brought my journal and prayed that God would help me sort this all out. I re-read the story of all that God had been teaching me. As I re-read the night God told me to adopt, I realized it was more about God trying to teach me about trust and full surrender.

He did tell me to adopt, but He never told me when. In fact, after He said to adopt it was in response to my question – He just said Yes when I asked. Scott entered the scene a few days later and God stopped talking about the adoption. There was no direction, just “Trust Me.”

A good friend of mine said, “do you think it is possible that God brought up adoption again in your life at this time, because He knows you well enough to know that without a bigger task to keep your focus on, you may have never given a relationship a chance. Maybe the timing of telling you to adopt was the plan, but the when was never the issue because God had this relationship detour in mind the whole time.”

Well, that could be possible and these words haunted me as I wrestled with God.

It became clear that God was bringing me back to my very first moment when this all started. He was trying to teach me about His love. I said bring the man so we can complete the plan.

He said – I have brought the man. I am completing the plan. My desire is for you to know love, unconditional love. I have showed you this through Scott and want to continue to show you My love. I have called you to adopt, but I have also provided one for you to adopt with that I have also given the same heart for adoption as you. My plan is perfect. My timing is never late. Adoption is still your calling, I just have a detour for you along the way.

Trusting God is always good. It is wonderful, crazy, sometimes frustrating, but so rich and amazing.

Who knew? A man and a plan ☺



And by the way...
We're Engaged!!!!!


That story coming soon! :)